That's intense
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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