so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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