I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
