literally had 100 drinks last night.
I cannot find my penis.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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