3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
