So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
