If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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