literally had 100 drinks last night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
