my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
