Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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