dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
