I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
