My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
cat food counts as protein by the way
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
dude. I can hear the air.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
