omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize