Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
