No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
