After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize