Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
