How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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