She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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