I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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