Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She told me I should be a condom model.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
