Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
