i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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