I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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