i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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