three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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