why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
