i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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