Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
