My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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