using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
