I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
