He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
