i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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