I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize