evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
