i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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