The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
