Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
