wanna go halves on a baby?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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