I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
