you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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