Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
