So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
