I have demons in me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
my liver is dry heaving
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
