I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
