Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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