Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
