So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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