hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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