You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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