Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
