Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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