so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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