I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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