I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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