nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
