why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
