theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
